A Message from the Queen To the Citizens of the United States of America

Hello gentle blog reader,
A friend from England relayed the following message from Her Majesty:
To the Citizens of the United States of America 
from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In the light of your failure in recent years to govern yourselves half
reasonably, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your Independence,
effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford
English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does
not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor-General,
without the need for further elections.
Congress will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour,’
‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’
without skipping half the letters and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by
the suffix ‘-ise’. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels. (Look up ‘vocabulary’.)
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize’.
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for
shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. (Although a permit will be required if
you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.)
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call ‘French fries’
are not real chips and those things you insist on calling ‘potato chips’ are
properly called ‘crisps’. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat and
dressed not with ketchup but with malt vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound
the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all
can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four
Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed
with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2..1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket and we will
let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e., tax collector) from Her Majesty’s
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers,
and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (which you’ve been calling
‘cookies’) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen! 
P.S.: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!!!
God save the Queen!
And, be sure to check out the Queen’s website:
This entry was posted in humor/jokes and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to A Message from the Queen To the Citizens of the United States of America

  1. Pingback: topwebbusinesses » Blog Archive » Message from the Queen To the Citizens of the United States of America

  2. Bobbi says:

    Hello and thanks for your comment–
    I wish I could say that I created the Queen’s message–a friend in English sent it to me!


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